Hot or cool feelings are reactions we have to the situations that occur in our lives. Hot feelings include rage, fury, anger, depression, guilt, state of lower self-worth, self-hate, anxiety, fear or panic. These lower vibrational emotional states may lead to unhealthy behaviors toward self as well as projecting them consciously, or unconsciously on others. This projection might lead to many negative consequences that will return back to us as boomerang filled with guilt and self-punishment. Self-awareness could help in self-assessment, through self-observation we could find triggers. Instead of poor reactions we could start focusing on conscious responses to the outside triggers. These responses are the feelings that are much “cooler” and not so frustrating. They might include irritation, sadness, disappointment, or concern. With the self-management practice, we will at some point be able to eliminate, or dis-include emotional component of the cooler feelings.

One of the ways to decrease the hot feelings is lowering the strength of the expectations, or demands that we hold of ourselves or others. If we set up too strong “musts” and “shoulds” we set ourselves for disappointments. Instead, we could practice setting up “preferences” to achieve goals. Preferences hold much less emotional charge, they are more neutral and they offer spaciousness for corrections, negotiations. They are less restrictive and more inviting. They don’t trigger and play on the fears and other insecurities.

Next time you observe yourself becoming disappointed, focus on looking at the situation from the perspective that it’s not the end of the world. No matter how hard the situation is, feeling stuck and without options will not help. It’s much better to step back, admit to the preference you made and refocusing on possibilities.

If you struggle and feel your “unworthiness”, instead of beating yourself up by lowering your value and telling yourself how you don’t deserve, give yourself permission to make a mistake, allow yourself to accept that you are just a human that makes mistakes. Remind yourself that you are a good person and you do the best you can.

Pay attention to your body because the body tells you what is going on in your emotional and mental state. If you clench your teeth, have headaches, body aches, can’t sleep it’s time to do something proactively about it. Engaging in not work related mental and physical activities might help you to find balance. It might also help you to find ways to stay “neutral” without engaging emotions but rather accepting and responding to situations from clear mind.

writteby by:

Ania Haas MS, BA, BBC

Ania is a Board Certified Executive Coach with over 15 years expertise in Mind & Body Connection. She works with Leaders to help them get successful in their roles. 

If you are interested to hear more about the topic of self, listen to the Podcast #6 , link is here, where I speak about How to Shift Negative Self Talk and Gain Clarity